I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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