No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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