You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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