My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
