Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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