I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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