Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
