You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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