Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
