I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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