Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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