i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
