I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
