based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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