I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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