should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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