My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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