if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
