Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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