tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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