Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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