remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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