Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
