I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
