i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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