I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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