Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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