i think my mom watched the whole time
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
