I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
