I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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