Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
