Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
