I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize