Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
