someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
