I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
