i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
