I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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