i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
