The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
