He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
