speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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