She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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