I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
