Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
