dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
