Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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