I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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