how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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