it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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