I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
