I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
