I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
