There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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