hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
