I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
